Monday, March 5, 2007

I'm Scared.

I have entered my second trimester relatively unscathed. I don't blog about this baby much if only because I can't imagine a catalogue of my every symptom, ache, and pain to be even remotely interesting.

I have discovered that the maternity retailers of the world would have you believe that your wardrobe is not complete without an expensive belly band. I have also discovered that my cheap tube tops are doing the exact same job and my wallet is none the lighter. (That little tidbit was for you, ManitobaFarmGirl!--I am always trying to look out for you.)

I am scared. I have still not fully come to grips with the reality of my situation. I just cannot face it. I get panicked and scared when I think about bringing this child home from the hospital. For the past few nights I have been dreaming of running away with my family. In the first one I was being chased by an unseen bad guy. In the second one I was trying to make my family at home in a strange new house that was uncomfortable and shabby and all wrong for us. I am not visibly pregnant in these dreams. I wake up exhausted and my head hurts. I am impatient and snap at Emm and Char. When people act happy and excited for this baby around me I politely smile and then change the subject.

We always thought we would have more than two kids. Char is just so busy and demanding that I wanted more time for her to grow up a bit before we got started on the next one. I also wanted to enjoy my brand-new size eight jeans a bit longer. (Yep, I am shallow and vain, but I worked hard for those jeans!!!) We always talked about having four children. Now I am thinking I will not leave the hospital until I have had my tubes tied on the way out. I have been pregnant every second year for almost 4 years. That thought boggles my mind.

I am trying very hard to figure out a way to process my situation and move on--I just don't know how.


ManitobaFarmGirl said...

While I appreciate the thought... I have no desire to wander around with my pants undone under a stretchy cotton tube of anykind. I don't want to gamble that my pants will stay up! :) Hope all is well. Take care!

CTG said...

Thinking of you. I'm sorry you're so frustrated!

Brie said...

Best wishes. I know things have got to be tough. Emm and Char are a handful already.

It is OK for plans to change...don't feel that you have to stick with old ideas, but also, if you want that's ok, too.

You can always email if you want to talk.

Anonymous said...

Oh, love, I sooo hear you. I don't talk about it much anymore, although you and I have discussed it, but Tias' pregnancy was so unwanted, so overwhelming that it was something I could taste. The emotional state actually had a flavour.

Something that helped me, something I didn't expect to help, was the "Birthing From Within" book. I was totally academic and in my mind at this point in life, not at all creative or into art, but the birth art that I did and the journalling around to put this into words? It's like it broke shackels of fear or freed me to love and be positive.

What helped me might not help you, but all I can do is offer the idea. Wish I could do more.