Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Lost


It has been happening. Bit by bit. Little by little. My faith. It has been slipping away from me. I have had so many questions. I have very few answers. I have spent a lot of time reflecting, thinking, even praying. When I prayed I felt like an imposter. It didn't feel real, sincere. Today I don't feel it at all. It is gone. I feel something else too. Something else growing inside of me. Is it contentment? Serenity? I think I can be ok with not having faith. It feels better to me than trying to force myself into a box that I know I don't fit into. I still feel Spiritual. I still feel.....Something. I can't say what It is, but it is Something. Energy? Light? Love? It is all of those things and none of those things.

Today is Shrove Tuesday. In some countries this is the day to use up your fat and flour before you fast for Lent. It seems like a decent time to reflect on where I stand with God and The Universe, don't you think?

6 comments:

nicolaknits said...

How brave of you to let go of your liferaft and go sailing off into the unknown! And brave of you to post about it too. I can't recall ever having much of a faith in anything religious, and the more I read, the happier I am about that.

handmadehomeschool said...

I'm glad you felt content enough in your new self to post about it. There is so much guilt in the faith-community and so much guilt-infliction, too, that it can seem like such a big deal to be honest. Life is a quest for authenticity, though.

Ashlee Rose O. said...

Forty-two. ;)

SabrinaT said...

Love, Light and Energy for me come from the small precious moments...

Ami said...

I know how funny this will sound, but until a few years ago, I didn't realize that I was an Atheist. If asked if I believed in God, the answer always was yes... until I realized that I really didn't.

I'm still a closet Atheist, however. I see no reason to tell my mother and father, it would hurt them horribly and would not change anything.

So I keep it to myself, mostly.

I'm not even really spiritual. I've settled for moral according to my own definition.

Mama Bear said...

Wow. I want to comment so badly but I don't know what I could say that would be appropriate or intelligent, haha.

I am a religious person (but not whack you over the head style) - I guess you could say I believe in God, I attend church, I believe in the afterlife and I think that life is better with something to believe in...but!

I agree with the guilt comment...why is it that church and faith are so much about making you feel BADLY about EVERYTHING?

Be moral, be spiritual but most of all just love love love.