I am done, but the end is nowhere in sight.

I have been cleaning up poop in this house for 6 years straight.  No breaks.  I have been potty training for SIX YEARS STRAIGHT.

What the hell am I doing wrong?  Emmett has sensory integration issues and for a while major motility problems.  We have him mostly straightened out, but he still has accidents.  He knows how to clean himself up now and his teacher's aid has been valuable in maintaining his dignity and hygeine at school.

Matthew has only recently mastered peeing in the potty and will do so very willingly and happily.  We are in a battle of wills against poop, and I think we are both losing.  He loves to poop anywhere he can as long as it isn't the bathroom.  His favourite places are in the back yard, in front of the tv, and while playing computer games.  I have long since banned him from the computer room and have developed a sixth sense about his outside trips.  He is getting more sneaky as I remove more of his pooping places.  Today he was not allowed back on my couch after having an accident there.  Later on, I caught him stinking up Emmett's closet.

He knows the drill.  He poops in his pants.  I get mad.  I set him on the toilet.  I then strip him down and set him in the shower (It is the only way to get him clean--some days he goes commando so the poop is smeared from waist to foot).   I then banish him to his room while I clean the rest of the bathroom and scrub out the tub and deal with his clothes.

 If I put Matthew on a schedule, he balks.  If I let him be, I lose my cool.  I am afraid to sign him up for preschool.

I fear I have broken him.

He is now afraid of showers.  When he has the urge to poop, instead of going to the bathroom he runs away and cries.

I am broken.

I cry.  I won't use the main floor bathroom anymore since I spend so much time scrubbing shit off of the toilet. I don't want to use it.  I won't use the bathtub.  I do twice as much laundry since I can't have the boy's clothes mix with anyone else's in the house.  I walk around simmering with rage and paranoid my house smells like a dirty bathroom. I can't relax.   If you post on Facebook about your effortless potty training (or complain about what a long couple of weeks it has been)  I will seethe and then hide you from my feed.  .  Don't complain to me until you are counting your potty training time in YEARS, bitch.  If you try to offer me advice, I will probably cry.  In six years, you don't think I have heard it all?  Oh, and also, you have no idea how to train an older kid unless you have done it.  Your baby tricks are useless to me.  Don't take it personally.  I know I am being hysterical.  It's not you, it's me.

I can't take it anymore.

6 years of cleaning up shit and I have no idea when it is going to end.